The Five Best, and silliest, Star Wars Fan Theories

1. Boba Fett killed Luke’s aunt and uncle.
The burning bodies of aunt Lu and uncle Owen are an iconic piece of brutality in A New Hope. It is assumed by Luke that stromtroopers, searching for C3PO and R2D2, were responsible. But what if that wasn’t the case. We see in The Empire Strikes Back that Darth Vader is not above outsourcing his dirty work to bounty hunters. I t is further revealed in A New Hope’s special edition that Boba Fett was on Tattooine at the time of these deaths. Far-fetched I hear you say, yet in Empire Vader singles Boba out with the comment “No disintegrations”. Considering all we have left of Luke’s beloved guardians is burning ash makes Boba guilty in my book.
2. Tattooine was the logical place to hide Luke
Now there is a real sense of favouritism going with where to hide Luke and Leia at the end of Revenge of the Sith. Leia is given a new last name and a royal upbringing, Luke keeps his last name, is taken to his father’s home planet, and given to people Vader already knows exist. Why wouldn’t Tattooine be the first place he would look for his children? Well because he hates sand apparently. Recounted in the hilariously awful scene in Attack of the Clones, Anakin tells Padme about his aversion to his home planet’s surface. Also his mother was killed there, and blah, blah, blah. This is a theory that only makes sense to George Lucas trying to fill his own plot-hole.

3. The Dark Side of Jar Jar
Jar Jar was a Sith all along, manipulating events throughout The Phantom Menace and giving everyone a cluster headache while he did it. This theory still does little to endear Jar Jar to the prequels critics. The fact that the pratt-falls were skilled force jumps, and the grating personality was a smokescreen, just means we were right to hate him in the first place.

4. Rey’s Force Powers
There has been a lot of criticism about Rey’s penchant for being perfect at everything in The Force Awakens. How can she fly the Millennium Falcon, how can she use the force so well, how did she beat an experienced Sith like Kylo Ren. It’s not because of who her parents may or may not be, it’s because she has an engineer’s mind. Think about it, Rey can talk to droids, she’s an experienced pilot, no one bats an eye when Poe Dameron says he can fly anything, so why is it so hard to believe a girl can do the same. When Kylo Ren uses the force on her she sees the mechanisms in this act and reverse engineers it the same way she does with the falcon suppressor. As for the Lightsaber battle, JJ Abrams has commented that she uses the lightsaber the same way she uses her staff- a weapon she was already skilled at. It’s not rocket science, it’s engineering.

5. Obi Wan and Padme had a secret affair.
Now this is a saucy one. The great, or sterile and creepy, love story between Anakin and Padme could have a little wrinkle, his name is Obi Wan Kenobi. Yes there is ample circumstantial evidence that a love triangle could be the driving force behind Anakin’s eventual corruption. It is shown that Padme and Obi Wan have a close bond in Attack of the Clones, so much that Padme umps at the chance to rescue him from Geonosis. Couple that with Anakin accusing Padme of the affiar which leads to him thinking he’s killed her with a force choke. Also why would bi Wan leave Anakin to die in the most horrible fashion if he wasn’t his petty love rival. A lot of great wars started through love and jealousy.

Star Wars Gets Kinky

When you really get down to it, George Lucas had an affinity for subtle sexuality in his Star Wars film. The awkwardness that Luke and Leia must have felt after realizing they were brother and sister despite kissing earlier on is fertile ground for a dark comedy. In the hands of a skilled romance writer, Anakin’s and Padme’s struggles to maintain a secret relationship would’ve kept couples entranced. However, some people say that subtlety is really against the Star Wars ethos, and have pushed these themes into full-on pornographic films. Reviewing the various Star Wars-themed films that have been released over the years allows us to see the obvious truth: maybe’s there’s a reason Lucas didn’t include sex in an alien-heavy universe.

Star Babe

One of the first Star Wars xxx parodies, Star Babe was released in 1977 with a very thin plot involving three “Star Angels” sent to planet Phallus (easy with the innuendos there, fellas). One notable parody is a Wookie-like creature named Woogie, who at one point is seen smoking a cigarette while playing an Evel Knievel pinball machine. Darth Vader and a Stormtrooper also get in on the “action” in the movie. This parody was particularly heavy on woman-alien sex, not exactly everyone’s cup of tea.

Sex Wars

In contrast with Star Babe, this parody did use more analogues of actual Star Wars characters, such as Princess Layme as Leia, Brinker Duo as Han Solo (nice “double” entendre), and Mark Starkiller as Luke Skywalker. What also makes Sex Wars different from Star Babe is that most of the sexual contact occurs between humans, which most of us relate with better. Of course, there are a couple of sex acts with aliens in this film’s version of the Mos Eisley cantina. Just in case you’re into that sort of thing.


Space Nuts

This film also uses interesting names, calling its Han Solo figure Buzz Starfokker; on the other hand, the name of the universe where the story takes place is the Clitorian system, which probably didn’t take too long to figure out. The plot revolves around the building sexuality between Buzz and Princess Hubba Hubba, this film’s version of Leia. This film doesn’t exactly have too much of a connection to Star Wars beyond its two protagonists.

Porn Wars: Episode I

This installment, released in 2006, is more faithful to the themes of the Star Wars saga rather than its characters. The plot synopsis calls the protagonists “Jodi” warriors, and explains that these warriors are fighting “The Darkness.” Eh, close enough. This film also explores the Force as a sexual energy rather than just a power that can lift stuff. However, none of the characters are recognizable, although names such as Traley Sommersaid, Dart Forsennt and Sonnen Lightside show that the directors at least made an attempt to imitate the creativity of Star Wars names.

Star Wars XXX

One of the more recent xxx parodies of the franchise, released in 2012, Star Wars XXX is much more faithful than its predecessors to the Star Wars movies. Most of the characters more or less resemble their Star Wars counterparts. Anyone interested in incest will enjoy the Darth Vader-Leia scene. Chewbacca’s scene with a couple of Stormtroopers satisfies the growing furry crowd. Obi-Wan and a Tusken Raider… OK, I’m not sure who that’s aimed at. In any case, Star Wars XXX attempts to satisfy the gamut of desires that Star Wars fans have fantasied about at one point or another.

Star Wars was one of the first blockbuster films to spawn porn parody, so it’s safe to say that the genre is irreversibly intertwined with the franchise. As can be seen by this list, intertwined bodies of all types of species have been made available for anyone who enjoys a little “fantasy” with their sci-fi.